Deep emotional wounds caused by child sexual assault force victims to deal with the fallout for years. Such trauma requires a significant healing process that is wrought with suffering, uncertainty, and a sense of helplessness. A path to recovery and restoration, however, emerges from this gloom, giving survivors the ability to liberate themselves from the shackles of the past. In this article, I will share with you some personal journeys of victims of child sexual assault. I will try to rely on their emotions and experiences to show you the healing journey of survivors.
The 5 stages of Grief that Victims often go through
Each person's journey is unique, and the healing process can take time. Here I am going tell the story of a victim of child abuse through these 5 stages:
- Betrayal and Confusion
Every child is born with an innate ability to trust others, but when this trust is shattered, its fragments pierce the soul, leaving behind a profound sense of betrayal. For child sexual assault survivors, this betrayal cuts deeper than any wound, forever altering the course of their lives. The lack of trust in others leaves many survivors feeling isolated, and their self-esteem is often low. The betrayal of their innocence and trust in others can be a devastating experience, this is like living in the present while fighting for the past.
When a child goes through such a heinous experience, everything starts to feel odd. The world they once knew, a place of clarity and familiarity, transforms into a disorienting labyrinth of uncertainty. Boundaries that once delineated right from wrong now blur into a hazy fog, leaving them lost in an incomprehensible maze.
Let's try to understand the victims of child sexual assault, and how they feel.
“My world changed forever when my own relative exposed me to the horrors of sexual assault while I was just 12 years old. In those moments, everything turned blurry and confusing. I found myself trapped in a bewildering labyrinth of uncertainty, unsure of what was happening or how to respond. The weight of the situation pressed upon my young shoulders, leaving me grappling with a whirlwind of emotions.
As the assault persisted, occurring whenever I was in his presence, I was plagued by endless questions. Doubts flooded my mind, wondering if I could have done something differently to prevent it, if there was a way to make it stop. The burden of self-blame weighed heavily upon me, a heavy cloak of guilt that I never should have had to bear.
I turned to a terrible coping mechanism to deal with the continual abuse.. Pretending to be asleep, I silently endured the unthinkable, waiting for it to be over, hoping that I would finally wake from this terrible dream. But the reality was that the abuse persisted, leaving me to question my own powerlessness and what actions I could have taken to halt the torment.”
- Shame and Guilt
In the depths of their wounded hearts, child sexual assault survivor carry a burden: an overwhelming sense of shame and guilt. These insidious emotions wrap around their souls like suffocating vines, silently tormenting them long after the abuse has ended.
“I reflect on what happened and how I was treated. A stifling sense of remorse and shame, took over my entire being, I felt like i had let everyone down, I felt like i was a bad person, I embraced the idea that the entire universe was opposing me and that as a result, I did not deserve to live another day. I believed that I ought to have passed away there and then. Day after day, the shame grew stronger, poisoning my thoughts and distorting my perception of myself. I questioned why I hadn't spoken up or fought back, convinced that I had somehow invited the unthinkable acts that had shattered my innocence. The guilt became a constant companion, whispering in my ear that I was irreparably damaged.”
- Fear and Anxiety
Fear and Anxiety are two of the most powerful emotions that can cripple a person. In the aftermath of child sexual assault, fear and anxiety become unwelcome companions, casting a long and dark shadow over every aspect of life.
For the victims, fear becomes a constant part of their life. It infiltrates their thoughts, creating a state of perpetual alertness. The world they once knew as safe and familiar transforms into a landscape of hidden dangers. Their innocence is shattered, and they navigate a world that feels treacherous, forever on guard against potential harm.
Anxiety, too, takes its toll, rendering even the simplest of tasks an arduous undertaking. The survivors ' sense of security is shaken to its core, eroding their ability to trust others and themselves. Anxiety amplifies their doubts and insecurities, casting a shadow of doubt on their interactions and relationships. What was once taken for granted now requires immense courage to navigate.
“Since that evening, my entire existence has been consumed by worry and anxiety; I feel weak and terrified, unable to carry out simple tasks or enjoy life as others do. Anxiety follows me constantly, and I worry about others discovering my vulnerability. It's becoming harder and harder to do normal activities.
I struggle to find joy and peace in the midst of this anxiety. Even the simplest tasks feel overwhelming. I carry the weight of my past experiences, and it feels like they hold me back from fully engaging in life. I long for freedom from the constant reminders.
Maintaining a sense of normalcy is a challenge. I fear being seen as weak or damaged by others. I wear a mask, hiding my true emotions and vulnerabilities, afraid of judgement and misunderstanding.”
- Powerlessness and Loss of Agency
In the aftermath of experiencing child sexual assault, an overwhelming sense of powerlessness takes hold, rendering survivors unable to take action or say no. However, what compounds the pain is the realisation that the person responsible for the assault may continue to be a presence in their lives. The internal conflict arises as survivors grapple with the question: Am I still a victim if I allow them to stay, even under the guise of a brotherly relationship? The burden of silence weighs heavy as they pretend that nothing ever happened.
The feeling of helplessness intensifies when survivors find themselves unable to cut ties with their abusers due to familial or social connections. The abuser may assume a role in their lives that conceals their true nature, such as that of a brother. Survivors often find themselves navigating the complex dynamics of a relationship that harbors deep pain and secrets, all the while grappling with their identity as a victim.
The conflicting emotions become a constant torment. On one hand, survivors may feel the need to protect themselves and sever all ties with their abuser. On the other side, they are compelled to remain silent out of fear of losing close family connections or of meeting others' mistrust and judgement. As a result of this internal conflict, survivors begin to blame themselves, wondering if their actions contributed to the abuse.
It is a huge load to bear while pretending that nothing ever happened. In order to maintain a false sense of normal while their wounds go unrecognized, it is necessary for survivors to bury their pain and anguish deep inside. They can doubt their own courage and wonder why they are unable to end the cycle of silence.
- Healing and Restoration
The road to recovery from the severe scars left by child sexual assault is a difficult one that goes far beyond the bounds of time. As survivors age, they come to the sobering knowledge that they were never to blame for what occurred to them. With this realisation, a desire for release from the burden of the past takes hold of their hearts, igniting a journey of healing and self-liberation.
As survivors get older, they learn that their abuser's behaviour was a reflection of their own darkness, not their own. They understand that no amount of guilt or self-blame can change the past. As individuals become more determined to be released from the trauma's suffocating hold, their desire to do so grows stronger.
The path to healing from the scars of child sexual abuse is a complex one. To face the memories that once plagued them at every moment of the day demands a great deal of fortitude. Along the road, seeking qualified assistance and surrounding oneself with a caring support network become essential foundations of strength.
As survivors explore the depths of their beings and redefine their identities beyond victimhood, self-discovery becomes a compass for their journey. They develop self-compassion, recognising their perseverance and power as they embrace it. The threads of shame must be gradually untangled and replaced with threads of empowerment.
It takes strength to continually let go of the past. The complicated emotions that have been intertwined in survivors' hearts for far too long are revealed as they address their triggers. They create coping mechanisms and use their newly discovered resilience to get through the ups and downs of their recovery process.
"Because I believed that somehow I was to fault for my situation, I have always felt guilty. But as I became older, I realized that the criminal was the only one to blame. It took me a long time and a lot of effort to get to this understanding, but it was a necessary first step in my recovery and release from the guilt."
Conclusion
In conclusion, the process of healing from child sexual abuse is hopeful and resilient. Heroic survivors bravely face pain and uncertainty while releasing themselves from the past. Their lives are undoubtedly impacted by their helplessness and terror, but their unwavering spirit gives them the resolve to raise their voices again. Personal narratives have demonstrated the transforming power of recovery and self-discovery, reminding us of the tenacity of the human spirit. Let's foster an atmosphere that is encouraging to survivors, where everyone's voice is heard and the stigma is dispelled. We can create a world where healing enables all of us to embrace possibility and hope.