In recent times in popular social media, I noticed a pattern. Most of the middle-aged parents especially the ones with boys of marriageable age are lamenting and complaining about girls and their parents being very cruel and merciless. They accuse them of being illogical in putting down conditions. Initially, those posts made me laugh because it was exactly the opposite 30 or 40 years back. The parents who gave birth to boys, held their heads high in the society. A woman who gave birth to only boys was considered very auspicious and fortunate. (Even today this foolishness prevails in some parts of India) Since the time of birth, the girl’s parents were always on the lookout of suitable groom men for their daughters. In the mid of 1970s to 1990s Dowry cases, bursting of the stoves when only Bahus light them, were very common in India. Even girls were called a burden and termed as a treasure of somebody (Paraya Dhan). Rural girls got their education, and right to their parent’s property got only after a lot of struggles.

As the millennium blossomed, it brought with it, the fragrance of change. Especially for girls. The mentality of the people changed slowly. Most of the girls excelled in their studies and got a job in both private or government sectors, due to their hard work and intelligence. This revolution brought with it, economic independence, and freedom to dream big for Indian girls. But again, the initial years of 2000 had tried to imprison women using emotional terms of family, children, and cooking and other duties. Thanks to the socio-economical changes, those working women were able to find a proper daycare for their babies. This attracted much criticism about neglecting the baby for the sake of a career, the baby feeling like an orphan and all sorts of emotional blackmail. But women marched ahead.

The real change occurred when IT industries were established In India. Thanks to the internet connections, for any man or a woman, the world was at their fingertips. They saw, learnt and experienced newfound freedom. YouTube, Twitter, FB everything else became their platforms for expressing themselves. There were perverts on every platform. I am not denying that. But they were there even when all these digital platforms were not available.

The perverters were like chameleons, who gave colourful names to porn, like blue films, yellow magazines, red light areas etc. So, no one could argue, that society was at its best when all these social platforms were not there. What was new was the perception of our women. It changed completely; the conservative thoughts handed over by our traditional society was discarded by many of young women. A girl how much ever educated she may be, how much ever she earns, must listen to the men of the family. As far as the Maika is concerned, they at least could argue with their father or brothers. But once they are tied, then no argument with anyone for any matter.

In 2020 women started hating all these bonding which prevented from marching ahead. They do believe in God, our tradition and all that. But, they cannot accept being treated as a secondary citizen, like the ladies were treated 30 years or so ago. They have seen their mothers struggling to strike a work-life balance. In some situations, the woman could be the breadwinner of the family and also should have to act as a maid, nurse and a caretaker too. All these sufferings, all these arguments, all these society-based hatred, faced by the generation before made the 2020 women think and rethink about the institution of marriage.

There is another significant aspect to this socio-economical situation. We can see the curve of marriage and it’s demands bend according to the population of girls and boys. It’s like the typical economics formula demand and supply. And in our India’s marriage market many aspects as caste, inter-caste, sub-caste, Kundli everything must match. In olden times when the population of girls were lesser than boys, the rich parents introduced a custom called Var Dakshina. That means the boy’s parents will give money to the girl’s parents to agree to the wedding. This Var Dhan slowly changed as the population of girls started increasing and boys fell in numbers. Then started the dowry system, exactly the opposite of Var Dakshina. I am not targeting only Hindu culture, In Islam and Christianity too, such practices exist in India. (May not be in other countries). In the mid-1980s witnessed many such deaths, much films were made against this.

So, the dowry system depends on the population of boys or girls falling and rising. Till then that is, till 2010 this argument held good. But now, the situation is very different. Boys are ready for marriage and girls are very much reluctant to make the commitment. We can classify the girls not marrying into 2 categories.

1. The girl herself is not willing to take up the responsibility of Agnyakari bahu, a caring wife and model mother.
2. Girl’s parents who have started enjoying certain luxuries which they could not even imagine with their low income. So naturally they don’t want their daughter to get married.

Now let us take the first category.

Mostly (75%) of the girls come under this category. They value their freedom and economic independence. Here I mean freedom to dress, talk, eat and going out. If they marry, they have to take permission from more than one person in the Sasural. Still, women would like to have kids, but they are scared of after-childbirth treatment from society. Once a woman gives birth to a baby, she is treated as an aged person, who does not have a separate entity apart from that baby. This makes some girls think twice before taking any life-changing decision.

Since the US culture has completely taken over in Metros, living together gives them the freedom independence and sex too. Here I want you to understand that, I am not going into the argument whether living together is good or bad. I am simply stating the reality that happens in big cities. Living together grants them that freedom, which an Indian marriage would never grant. They can keep their earnings, they don’t have to get permission to go to a late-night party, they can cut their hair as they like, and they can wear the dresses they prefer. Above all 50-50 partnership in all household chores.

Any person having tasted the freedom, hardly would want to be caged again.

Now, let us take the second case, it is a really pathetic and very serious issue. The girls must break their mental slavery to their parents and come out free to marry whomever they like.

Both the above-said problems cannot be solved easily. It involves the change of psychology of the older generation and the middle one then comes the younger generation. It involves a complex psychology. Those women who were not able to enjoy the freedom, the girls are now enjoying have a kind of jealousy and hatred towards them. They advise to ask the girls to come to the protective umbrella of our culture. But that was not what they really meant. They are jealous and do not want anyone to enjoy which they couldn’t.

Another psychology is very difficult to deal with. That is our culture and tradition. They are really good at heart people but locked themselves in the cage of tradition. Most of them are confused about modern girls. Those people associate these fashion clothing hairstyles to non-belief. Many old people think modern girls don’t believe in God. They have to come out of this perception. Dresses are just fashions. It does not have to do anything with following the religion to which she belongs to.

If we really want the girls to get married, then we have to change the attitude towards the married girls. No Poison opinion, no ego of the boy’s parents being superior, No ego of putting down conditions only by the boy or his parents. We must realize that times are changing. It had always been bringing out changes with it. Whether it is good or bad, it depends on the individual. Over all, If we want our young girls to step into the lifetime commitment of marriage, the society must change its attitude towards married women. The society must understand that, marriage is part of a girl’s life. It’s not life in itself. Like men, girls too have ambitions, dreams, and duties. Once society recognizes this, then I think our girls, will change their perception towards marriage. 

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