"Don’t tell it to anyone. It’s a ‘shame shame’ thing,” said a mother to her four-year-old sexually abused daughter.

“We can’t accept this alliance. The girl has had several past relationships,” said the groom’s mother.

“Who will marry you if you join modeling?“, said a super model’s mother

“I know he molested my cousin. But he is my husband. I can’t go against him,” said a wife.

“I am marrying the person I love. It’s okay if his family wants dowry,” said a bride.

Aren't these well-known phrases? They are not the comments of a misogynist man but rather, a female. These women are not wrong. They recognize that what has occurred or is occurring is incorrect. They have, nevertheless, internalized everything. Most of us have experienced this: we put on a dress that we like on ourselves but decide not to wear it outdoors. We are held back by our fear of social acceptance. This is exactly the situation with patriarchy in our society. Yes, we are gradually achieving equality in public spaces. But what about patriarchy within the confines of the home? What about patriarchy's seeds, which have grown into an everlasting tree in our minds? The occurrences have become so prevalent that we aren't even aware of them.

The title might be quite hefty for a lot of you and some of you might also be pondering upon the fact that how can a novice writer like me comment on something so massive, so let me make it very clear that I am not a gender expert. What and how I learned about inequality emerged from pure existential needs, from what I have seen and experienced.

(My intention is not to offend anyone, moreover, I would keep the language as simple as possible, to impact a larger audience.)

As a child, I have grown, listening to the stories of Sita, being an ideal wife, who jumped into the fire to prove her chastity. A lady must be devoid of impurities. She has to be her husband's companion but what shall she do when her very own husband banishes her? This always forces me to question, not the scriptures but the psyche of individuals.

The tale of shame continues when a girl is told to be ashamed of her stained skirt or to silence her menstruation cramps as a ‘shameful pain’ that can only be shared with women. We all know it's not necessary to wrap sanitary napkins in a newspaper or black polythene. Menstruation is a natural part of a lady's life. But how many of us will intervene to prevent the chemist from doing so? Or simply challenge our mums when they refuse to let us enter the temples? This is the effect patriarchy has had on us and continues to have.

Women in metropolitan regions are prohibited from working after marriage, although women in rural areas are not. Yes, it is a requirement for those who are poor. True! Isn't it, however, isn't it a must for everyone? To be self-sufficient and earn their own bread? The urban areas fail to understand that working or reaching for one’s dreams is not necessarily to stabilize financial insufficiency. It is to make an individual identity irrespective of gender. Every woman is accused of being extremely ambitious and is told to take a break or quit her job after having kids. It is a subconscious compulsion that comes under the 'veil of choice'. Even today, there are raised eyebrows, when we see women pursuing professional jobs in fields such as "mechanical" engineering, mining, the army, and the merchant marine. Without even putting their physical skills to the test, women are viewed as physically weak. In the above-mentioned professional fields, the female-to-male ratio is low. The same is true for men. Males applying for teaching employment in schools and universities, fashion design, or cooking occupations are still frowned upon, and they must fight to prove their worth as equals to any MBA or engineer. Women are still seen as bad drivers, and men are still portrayed as unsuited for cooking in-jokes. Of course, women who become leaders can absorb and advocate for authoritarian values, though their gendered credentials are distinctive. Both Margaret Thatcher and Indira Gandhi were admired for their allegedly political skills. ‘The only man in the room,’ according to some of their male admirers.

In India, the word 'age' in the context of marriage is given top emphasis. The age at which you marry must be ideal. The fear of non-acceptance in the case of motherhood before marriage and the fear of no choice from motherhood after marriage haunts every Indian woman. Compassion and care are all human characteristics. However, we frequently conflate them with gender-specific characteristics.

Now, patriarchy is not something that solely affects the females but also the males. The same patriarchy that objectifies women, suffocates men every day by demanding proof of their masculinity. Men's societal pressure to conform to patriarchy affects everything from what is ordered at a bar (real men drink scotch) to what professional possibilities they pursue (fashion consultant? That's a girl's job!). "Men don't cry", "WHAT! You're a househusband?", "Don't walk like a girl" are a few statements they hear every day. They fend, they abide, they hustle but they don't shed a tear.

I haven't found one woman who fits into the societal definition of an 'ideal woman', neither have I found a man, manly enough. Nobody is perfect, then who is to blame? PATRIARCHY.

It lays out rules, rules for you, as well as me and it's time we do away with gender roles, and for that patriarchy needs to die. It's not just women, patriarchy affects, it affects men too! Patriarchs are patriarchs regardless of their gender, regardless of your gender. So the question arises, whom should we fight?

Any person, who tells you that you're supposed to be a certain way because you are a man or a woman, any person who expects you to be masculine or feminine, any person who tries to tell you that you're 'unnatural' because of your sexual orientation. We are all equal and we don't need the world telling us how to live our life.

Here is a short poem summing up my entire article in just a few lines:

When her laugh's louder than the scintillating hues of a rainbow,
And each time she laughs loudly,
They say, change,
Act more like a lady.
When the flurry of emotions in his chest stokes up,
And when he cries to cripple it down to Ashes as he reels,
They say, change
Don't act like a lady.
But, today, let all the notions about you,
Blend in the ether of the sky,
Yet, yet, let your shadow
Be the one to speak tonight.
And you'll rise,
As you morph into the static
As you aver, "I won't change,
I'll be the one, to lead it.”

Feminism and this fight for equality are not regarding hating men, remember that feminism is about fighting patriarchy and not men. And patriarchy is a belief system and not gender. We can either make this a men-versus-women battle or patriarchy-versus-everyone else, I've chosen my fight and so should you.

.    .    .

• Reference: feminists.org