Local fair remains nostalgic since my idyllic childhood. Standing in front of it, I reminisced about my visit to this local fair for the first and last time. It was when I was thirteen, probably the only time I was being myself and happy. After hitting puberty at the age of fourteen, everything has changed for me, everything that possibly changes for a woman in an orthodox family and patriarchal society. I was restricted from talking to the opposite sex, to wandering outside our home, and was forced to quit my education. It was all sudden, that I couldn’t even decipher what was my mistake to bear those consequences. Later at eighteen, I was married to a middle-aged man, the last straw to my happiness, after which I craved for a day without pain and tears.

And the reason for my unhappiness? My subliminal need to please people around me. According to my orthodox parents and patriarchal society, a woman is successful when she is married rather than earning. Having two kids is more sensible than living independently. Working for her family should be her only dream. Honeymoon after marriage is only when she can travel. Over and above that, I did exactly what they expected from me, for the reason that I’m a people pleaser. But ultimately having no child has left me on the edge.

Yesterday while helping a five-year-old neighbor girl in finishing her homework, a quotation on her notebook cover caught my attention. There it was written, “I’m in charge of how I feel today and I choose to be happy”

Reading that quote made a certain impact on me. So, with dogged determination, I came to this local fair for the second time at the age of thirty.

Buying a ticket for an entire day to search for happiness, I infiltrated the river of people entering the fair. Stepping inside, I felt a different sense of enjoyment in the air, the fair was lit with a lot of hubbubs which took me on a walk-in memory lane.  

The first thing I noticed at the fair is the rides, there are many such as the giant wheel, merry-go-round horse ride, stalls of Magic Tricks, and stores for balloon shooting. Walking forward, I found different types of stalls which are selling dazzling earrings, fancy clothes, tasty food, books, and wooden toys. Whilst the hawkers are constantly playing their flute or whistle to attract people to buy those items from them.

Reaching a merry-go-horse ride that I rode on my first visit to the fair, I stood wondering why I grew up, for now, I could never sit on that merry-go-round. With a longing look and a heavy heart, I’m about to move when a little boy held my hand and said “Come on buddy, let’s hit this ride”

A heartfelt smile erupted on my face after a very long time for his little grand gesture. “I can’t, because the horse cannot bear my weight. You see I’m big whereas you are small, you can ride on it” I said.

“But I need someone’s company,” He replied, in a sad tone.

Looking around, I noticed that he is all alone in the fair with none of his parents or family. So, I questioned him “where is your family?”

“I’m here by myself,” he answered with a naughty smile displaying on his face.  

 Stunned by his answer, I posed another question, “How did your parents let you roam around by yourself? What is your age?”

“I’m not a small boy, I’m nine years old. That is why my parents have no objection,” he said. Pointing his finger to a faraway stall, where a couple is selling papads, he continued saying “They are my parents. While they are working, I visit all the nearby stalls and enjoy the rides around here, but I get bored of having no company. Do you want to know a secret?”

 I nodded my head positively.

“You should promise me first that you won’t reveal it to anyone” he whispered in his low voice making sure no one listens to us.

“Pinky promise,” I promised him. 

“As my parents work here, They have free tickets for all the rides around here. So, if you want we can hit all the rides here. What do you say?” 

“Why don’t you find a friend of your age? Why do you want my company?” 

“Because I saw you standing alone without company like me. Also, you seem so sad”

His reply made my eyes swell in tears. After all these years, there is someone who could finally understand me, even though he is a nine-year-old boy. Swiping away my tears, I said, “You hop onto this merry-go-round horse ride, and I’ll cheer for you” 

“No, you should join me”

“But…”

 “See, there is a camel as well. It can bear your weight. you can hop onto its hunch” he suggested before I gave him a reason.  

“Hey, this is a child's ride. If I hop on it, people will laugh at me”

“Look, my dear friend, people will always mock you. But no one supports you in your sadness. So, don’t give any heed to their opinions and do what makes you happy.” he said 

I stood in surprise at his words. This boy is a wonder and his parents must be proud of him. With respect to his words, I hopped onto the hunch of the camel whereas he hopped onto a horse. I could sense a lot of awkward glances in my direction which I ignored royally. The little boy was correct in so many ways. If no one can console me in my sadness, why should I bother about their opinion? All my life I’ve been the same, however today I will be anything but a people pleaser. 

The ride started with the bursting of laughter and shouting from us riders. An unknown sensation started in the pit of my stomach which closely resembles a ticklish sensation, bringing a genuine smile to my lips. The world around us and the people are spinning. The entire experience brought the nostalgia of me being a thirteen-year-old girl again. Soon the ride stopped and I high-fived the little boy in joy, when he asked “So, Which one next?” 

“You decide.” 

“How about the giant wheel?”  

“Umm..maybe no, because I’m scared of heights” 

“Listen, my dear friend, If you fear something you will live with it all your life. You can only overcome it by facing it. There is only one life, it’s now or never. Hence do not live with fears and regrets” 

His words are not failing to make me amazed. I wondered how he became so mature at a very young age. All my life I've had no one to tell me how to be brave and courageous. I’m just a pawn, for their beliefs and pride. Again his words did magic on me and I found myself walking toward the giant wheel. 

After hopping into one of the cubicles of the giant wheel, we sat facing each other. When the ride started, the magic soon faded away and I could feel my heart slipping into my stomach whenever the wheel went downwards in a circle. When I started screaming in fear, that little boy held my hand and instructed me to inhale and exhale deeply. Doing so surprisingly melted my fear and I started enjoying the ride. Opening my eyes, together we cheered in the adrenaline rush. The ride came to a halt as well as my fear of heights. 

“So? Which one is next?” we asked each other in unison dripping in excitement for I forget, I’m an adult being with him. 

“Balloon shooting?” the little boy suggested. 

“I’m not good at it, so I have fewer chances of winning.” 

“Have you played the game before?” 

“Nope…” 

“Then how did you decide, you are not good at it?” 

“Because once my father said girls are not capable of shooting” 

“Know this my dear friend, do not accept failure beforehand. Acceptance of failure before trial is the worst sin you will ever commit. Try it once. If you find, it isn’t in your ability then deny it. Maybe your father said that to you in fear of you winning over him. Because there is no such thing as girls aren’t capable of. In my school, girls and boys are equal in everything. Sometimes they even defeat us in games.” 

This time his words not only astonished me but also made sense. All my life I’ve been questioning myself, 

What was my mistake?
Why was I born as a girl?
Was I not good at my studies?
Was I not worthy of their trust?
Why was I not blessed with a child? 

But..,

Have I ever tried questioning my family?
What makes them feel a girl child is a burden?
Who gave them the right to snatch away my right to education?
Why can't I have a say in my life decisions?
Why am I the one to blame, if my husband is impotent? 

If there is a mistake on my side, It is
I never voiced out what I wanted.
I never stood up for myself.
I never denied their wishes.
I gave them the right to decide for me.  

This is the end of this. What this little boy said is true. Life is a one-time opportunity, it is always now or never. And today, I am determined to be this happy for the rest of my life, even if it costs losing all my family and their inhibitions. Now I know what I want..,
I want to earn on my own,
I want to lead an independent life,
I want to decide for myself, I want to travel and explore. 

“What are you thinking, friend?” the little boy nudged me worried with my fixed stature. 

“You shouldn’t worry dear, after all, you are the reason for me to find a way out of all my worries,” I said, which confused him and his raised eyebrows proved it. 

“Let’s hurry to the stall,” I said, pulling him out of his confusion. With erupting joy, we rushed to the stall and returned with pride in winning the game. 

And then I noticed a cotton candy stall right next to us and plunged towards it along with the little boy. Reaching closer with every step, I saw worry etching on his face. Not knowing what was going on in his mind, I asked him 

“What is bothering you?” 

“I only have free tickets for rides. But I don’t have money to buy food or other things” 

Looking at his head hung low, guilt consumed me and I replied, “Well Rides is on you and food is on me, Also you can buy toys, it’s on me.” 

“Really? Will you buy toys for me?” 

“Oh yes! Anything you want” 

Happiness beamed on his face. After eating cotton candy, we went to every stall buying whatever the little boy wanted and soon the sky turned into a dark shade of blue, indicating to me to leave. 

With a heavy heart we said goodbye to each other and then I realized, I didn’t ask his name and asked him, to which he replied with a toothy smile,

 “Anand” 

“Anand?” I repeated next to him. 

“Yes, it means Happiness” He explained. 

“I know, you’re my happiness,” I said with a kiss on his forehead after which we promised each other to meet again. 

exiting the fair, I realized I came here in search of happiness and truly found one. And I decided to hold on to this happiness for the rest of my life.

.    .    .