CAN PARENTS BE TOXIC?

From childhood, you have been told that a parent’s love is unconditional, and they are the only people who can go to any lengths to make you happy. You’ve also been told frequently that your parents are more experienced and thus, whatever they do is for your betterment and you must never question them. Much as I agree that parents are certainly more experienced and they do love their children, you must know that there’s a fine line between disciplining a child and abusing a child. The sooner you recognize the signs of a toxic parent, the better it will be for you to deal with your toxic parents.

SIGNS OF A TOXIC PARENT

If your parents show the following signs, it’s more likely that they are toxic.

• They instill guilt in you to get certain things done.
• They abuse you, both verbally and physically on a regular basis.
• They hold you responsible for their happiness
• They are too critical to a fault that it appears more like a taunt than a constructive criticism
• They impose their principles on you and don’t care about your point of view.
• They constantly compare you with your siblings, cousins, neighbors, or anyone who’s apparently doing better than you.

HOW TO DEAL WITH TOXIC PARENTS?

If these traits are familiar to you, they are definitely the signs of a toxic parent. Now, you cannot change them but you can definitely equip yourself to deal with such toxic parents. But, how do you do that? Here’s a five-step process. 

1. Set clear boundaries

List down all the things that hurt you on a piece of paper. Also, recollect all the unpleasant experiences when your parents might have done something that impacted you deeply. Make a commitment to yourself that under no circumstances will you tolerate such things. After that, you can have a peaceful heart-to-heart conversation about those things with your parents and try to explain to them your point of view. Even after that, If they don’t comply, it’s high time you enforce your boundaries. Like, if you don’t like your parents 1body shaming you, you should make it loud and clear that what they’re doing is absolutely wrong. I know it’s easier said than done but the sooner you do so, the easier it will be to deal with toxic parents. 

2. Detach yourself from them

I know it’s very hard for you but you must accept that you can’t change your parents but you can definitely control the way how you react to the circumstances because ultimately that is going to decide your well-being. So, have the least expectations from them regarding certain things, and accept that some families aren’t those gems that everyone puts them out to be. Stop confiding in them regarding things that concern you the most otherwise there is the possibility that they might use whatever you’ve shared against you. Precisely, I’m asking you to be emotionally independent. Being emotionally independent is one of the most efficient ways of dealing with a toxic parent. Also, you can lessen the interactions with them as much as you can, like you can stay out for a while, going to your friend's place, or just exit from home for a while. 

3. Stop blaming yourself

There’s no doubt that parents are very important to you and what they say or feel about you matters the most to you. But, no matter how much you try, you aren’t able to make yourself happy and they will find out some other ways to blame you. Like, you worked very hard in your exams but couldn’t make it to the top. Your parents, instead of acknowledging your efforts, start blaming you for not studying. This hurts like hell, doesn’t it? That is when you need to acknowledge your efforts when your parents don’t, especially when your parents don’t. You must have a goal and work diligently towards it as well as engage in activities that make you happy. Also, make sure you are good to everyone else around you. Do things right, be true to your conscience and even after that your parents blame you remind yourself about your efforts and stop feeling guilty. 

4. Practise self-care

Studies have shown that art like painting, sketching, and doodling work as stress busters and are recommended by many psychologists who tend to go through anxiety and depression. Journaling, that is penning down your emotions can also serve as a huge relief. Research has shown that as well. You can even indulge yourself in other hobbies like reading, photography, listening to music, watching movies, and all the other things that make you happy. These will help you deal with toxic parents. You can learn about self-care in detail.

 5. Build a support system

As humans, we all need a shoulder to lean on and a patient ear to hear us out on our toughest days. So, you can have such a relationship with your friends, teachers, cousins, or any relative, it’s a great support system for you.

FREQUENTLY ASKED QUESTIONS

1. How do I make my parents realize that they are being toxic? : At the most, you can sit with your parents and have a heart-to-heart conversation with them about your concerns, what behavior is bothering you and why is it bothering you. You can try to make them understand. If they don’t, you have to deal with toxic parents through the steps I’ve mentioned in the article.
   
   
2. Why are some parents so toxic? : It’s not just about parents, it’s about people in general. Maybe, some past trauma has affected them very harshly, or maybe they have so much going on in their lives that they vent their entire frustration on someone else. You can read this article to understand why some people are so toxic.
   
   
3. I’ve tried everything but I can’t heal from the trauma I had to go through because of my parents. What shall I do? : If you’ve followed everything I’ve mentioned in this article and are still unable to get yourself together, then you must seek the help of a therapist. A therapist exactly knows the scientific ways to take you out of your trauma. In a recent article, I stated when you should consider taking help from a therapist. If your situation matches the incidents I’ve mentioned in the article, then you must take a therapist’s help to deal with toxic parents.

IMPORTANT NOTE

I strongly believe and it’s seen that nobody is born toxic. The environment people grow in, the events they come across and the people they meet are mostly responsible for their toxic behavior. If you read this, you’ll understand what actually makes a person toxic. It might be possible that your parents are as much in need of help as you are. I think you can talk to them or even take them to a therapist to help them out. Who knows, it can mend your relationship with them in miraculous ways! Then, maybe, you don’t have to deal with toxic parents anymore.

MESSAGE FOR YOU!

If you feel that your parents don’t understand you, or there have been frequent clashes between you and your parents on a regular basis, then you should notice the signs of a toxic parent. I’ve stated above. Once you do, you should immediately start dealing with it in the ways I’ve mentioned or seek help from a therapist if required. Our circumstances will be tough, but the way we choose to deal with them will ultimately decide whether we’ll be happy or not. I know, it’s very hard to deal with toxic parents, but remember that you’re strong and you’ll make it through!

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