I was standing somewhere without knowing the place, without knowing what was happening, without any emotions' until I realized I had lost my one and only. I am torn just like someone ripped my heart apart like a piece of paper. Suddenly, It started raining. I hear the sound of thunder like God understands my suffering like God can feel the storm brewing inside me. I was crying in pain, sitting on the ground, until my father started to take me away. The thought that I was seeing my mother for the last time with her body like a child -both of her legs were amputated was killing me from the inside, tears were stinging my eyes, running down my cheeks leaving a salty trail, and I said to myself "This wasn't how it was supposed to end, this wasn't what she wanted". 

That was the the day I cried with all my heart and it felt like my soul died, I felt like my body was nothing but a shell of myself, that was the day I stopped believing in God, that was the day I wished it was me who died, I wished it was me who stopped breathing and it was me who vanished from this world. They say it was an accident, I believe it was a murder, by me- because of how I talked to her, whenever I remember that I break down.  

I was blaming god, my father, the driver but growing up I learnt that I had taken her for granted and that god took her away from me because I couldn't understand what she meant to me. I grew up with the thought that God is vicious, evil, and bad. Someone once asked me why don't I believe in god. I wanted to speak about every moment I had suffered, cried in bed, and every thought I had in my mind I wanted to talk with someone to share what I feel and what I have felt till now, but I am going to stay silent, do my thing and let them do theirs. I will let the universe decide my destiny because I'm tired, I'm tired of everything. 

Someone said to me "We all have our own time machines, don't we? Those that take us back are our own memories… and those that carry us forward are dreams ." but I don't have those memories and dreams, they died the day my father burned all the pictures of my mother, I barely remember her, her smile, her face. And my dreams died when I was told what was going to be my profession, how my life was going to be everything was decided. I wanted to scream with all I had got, to let it all out, I wanted to show emotions which I kept inside of me for so long. 

I tried to share those emotions, those feelings, and those thoughts, and regretted it the most in my life. It was the worst decision I had taken in my life, that day I learnt that no one cares about your suffering, you will have to go through everything on your own because the only one who will be with you is you yourself. I remember that someone said to me "Smile because it confuses people, smile because it is easier than sharing what is killing you inside". And after that, the broken soul who wanted to cry with all she had, is now smiling with all she has got, now she's carrying the storm deep inside her wearing a smile to hide the tears, and laughing to hide the screams of pain and grief.

I woke up early in the morning, by heard the quavering voice, it was my brother standing with red eyes, full of sweat, and shaking hands.

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