Hye,

You've seen multiple stages of my life and today the step I stand upon is DOUBT: self-doubt.

I have always felt the fear of being an underachiever. It scares me to the core. Thinking of what my future holds for me just makes me want to curl up in a cocoon and get away from the eyes that hold judgement, expectations, faith and whatnot. I feel extremely uneasy talking about my anxieties and showing people how vulnerable I can get. The thought of people using a part of my reality against me, makes me construct those walls thicker and stronger. This is the reason why I am never direct in expressing my opinions or sharing a part of myself with clarity. 

I fear people, and more than that, I fear myself.

Usually, people look into the dark to find something meaningful and useful. But I look into the dark because that's the only thing I can see, that's the only thing I am capable of seeing. I hate to put it out like this, but that's exactly who I am.

Don't come at me for this, but the reality is that I hate humans. I can appreciate, respect, congratulate and advise people, but I don't have it in me to love them. You might wonder what's the stem of such a brutal and insensitive feeling. It's my past experiences that send a trigger warning to me to date. Good has always been more in quantity than Bad in my life, but the impact of Bad is unfortunately irreversible for me. I always thought I would change, and these thoughts would change, but it keeps getting worse with time. The voices in my head have piled to an extent where they have stopped doubting the world and started doubting me instead.

When I'm under stress or pressure I usually have nosebleeds, and my lips get extremely pale. I use makeup to hide my inner realities, but how can I hide myself from myself?

Was I worth it?

Am I worth it?

Will I ever be worth it?

I am flooded with doubts, to which there exists no answer, at least that's how I try to give hope to myself. I have become my biggest critique, and it has started to improve my life in ways I wish I could explain. My father taught me how to do this analysis, and man I am so grateful to him.

I appreciate how I practically estimate my worth and discourage myself to get that kick in life. It makes me vulnerable and at the same time opens so many doors to that one dream.

WORTH is a very heavy word and if I were to put a number to my worth, I would rather take a bullet, because I am scared that I may sum down to nothing.

I wanted to draw light to these emotions because each one of us is struggling with this no matter how successful or mature we get. We all have our personal experiences of which nobody has even the slightest idea. There are times in our life when we struggle with the reality of our worth and all I want to say is that it's fine to think that you are good for nothing or the Prime Minister of India, just don't let it harm yourself or the people around you.

If being an ugly person works well for you, so it be!

(If this diary ever comes across a human, I want you to do me a favour by not skipping the last part of this page)

Give yourself a moment and sit in a quiet place for at least ten minutes and evaluate your past and present with sincere emotion. Be impartial, non-judgemental, and insensitive in ranking yourself with the world.

Anything you read has the ability to change your WORTH.

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