Today is the day I am gonna take my life.

Why?

Well, there are plenty of reasons to do so. 

I was really young when I started seeing the things a child shouldn’t, and it was my parents' aggressive fighting.

They were married for the last 20 years I guess and everything was normal except for me but still, we were almost like a normal family. I had siblings and it was pretty normal for us to fight like any other siblings and that’s all.

My parents loved my siblings and me too but still, they didn’t.  I was an introverted kid since I was really young and because of that. I didn’t get enough attention but I tried my best to grab the attention in my family especially my father although it wasn’t easy to do. 

I always loved my father and adored him. Like any other girl, I thought my father is a hero too, although he only gave my sister special attention. 

I thought since she is the first child she deserved it but I also knew it was an excuse to make myself feel fine.

He never talked to me the way he did to my brothers and sister. He used to bring toys and everything they demanded but 

when I say something I always had to listen "later". But still, I loved my father and suddenly it all got changed on the day I saw him hitting my mother. 

I never had any special kind of bond with my mother too but it did hurt me bad. It just ruined everything. 

“That was the day when my reasons started”.

"IT WAS FIRST REASON"

As the days passed the fights turned into a huge mess, my sister and elder brother tried to stop everything but they couldn’t do much. 

My hatred grew bigger and finally, my father left us, everyone here alone.

I was glad but still, I wasn’t.

We were struggling and my elder sister tried to manage things financially.

She tried her best, but she gave up on her college and passion. She did all she could although no one acknowledged her. 

I and my sister became closer than ever, I really loved her but no one else. 

Except for my younger brother and me, no one treated her the way she should have, she was always worthy of so much love, respect, and every positive thing in the world.

And “here my 2nd reason starts”.

It always bothered me to see my sister in such a condition where I couldn’t help her. She reminded me of my mom. 

I had a mom of course I did but the bond which wasn’t strong from starting became worse. 

She always treated my elder brother and younger brother so dearly as if we weren’t present.  

In my opinion, my younger brother deserved it because he was the youngest and so respectful. 

He always showed respect to everyone in our family and he loved us all but my eldest brother was the worst. 

He used to abuse my sister so badly and my mother just watched him and never tried to stop him even after going through such a stage of physical abuse.

I started hating him too because all he did was nothing for his family. 

He never tried to take any responsibility, he used to go out with his friend and showed how hurt he was. Even my mother used to argue with my sister on small things. 

It was hard to see all that for me.  And finally, after getting tired of so many things, my sister went to her father for help. Almost after a year, we saw him.

I didn’t want to go to him but we didn’t have any choice, my sister didn’t.

“And when he came my 3rd reason began”

Things got bad after my father’s return. It all affected my sister, younger brother, and me badly.

My elder brother and mother started hating us even more because we brought out father back.

Arguments and those fights which were here before a year came back and it all disturbed us badly.

And now our mother left us, she believed it was torture for her to stay here. It wasn’t a whole lie though. 

I understood her decision but like any other daughter, I got hurt as well not only because my mother left us but because the trouble for my sister grew bigger. 

I was in school and my sister did a job like before but now we both managed our house, especially her.

My sister had a choice to quit her job but she didn’t like to take money from father, even though she didn’t hate father but still she hated the fact that he did something he shouldn’t have. Everything started because of him after all.

It broke my heart to see my sister struggling as usual. My father was of no use even after all the mess.

When I had my personal life on thin ice another thing added, I and my best friend got separated due to her family issue  actually the issue was me not my family to be true.

For them I was making their daughter a bad person, they thought I was the one who told her to have a boyfriend I mean of course I approved of their relationship, but it doesn’t mean I was the one to push her. It was her choice to have a boyfriend and what is the problem when it’s really common for a teenager to have a boyfriend or girlfriend?

But her family didn’t understand and blamed me for everything,  we cried for each other but it was hopeless.

My heart broke “and that led to my 4th reason “ 

She was my only friend like seriously the one and only friend and she was no less than a best friend for me. I got depressed after all the things that happened. 

I didn’t want to tell anyone or show anyone that I was depressed especially to my sister but it was crystal clear to her that’s what I realized after so many years. 

I had a bad shape of my mind and everything. 

I felt like everything is getting destroyed each and everything. 

It became a real mess, my life became a real mess.

And finally, I decided to do something a person shouldn’t but he does because of the state.

I am on that stage I am here with my messed brain and heart and I have decided to take my life away from this cruel world.

But as soon as I started cutting the nerve of my hand everything passed from my sight, all the things which gave me little joy in this cruel world.

My sister and her eternal love, how she said that I have to do all the things I want because she couldn’t do the things she wanted, and the way she said that she loved me the most even though it used to make my younger brother jealous.

My younger brother and his stupid fight over who my sister loves the most. 

The way he cared for me when someone hurt me, the way he used to hide the fact that he loved me.

My diary who was there for me when I didn’t have anyone to say the things I wanted, she (my diary) was there for me when I didn’t have my best friend, and even when my best friend went away (my diary) she was there, (my diary) she became my only listener. 

My best friend which isn’t with me but she hated the fact that I was upset and didn’t tell her much. But even after that she loved me and was there to give me comfort.

They are the people and things I loved and was there when I was at my low. They made me feel alive, they gave me joy, and they made me feel like I am important. 

They were string of my life.

.    .    .