“I want you all to write about your best friend. Just not why they are the best but how they are the best for you. Be as creative and honest as you can and no internet answers. I hope I made myself clear.” my English teacher left the class without giving us a chance to answer.
I took everything in that happened in the class for the last 45 minutes and immediately jumped into writing without a second thought; I knew what I had to write- Jessica is my best friend. She’s a cheerful person who fills me with hope every time I am with her. She sits with me at the end of the library table with our familiar company: books. We walk back home together and let our life, passions and struggles take the front seat in our conversations. Our families haven’t ever met each other but they know our friendship is the strongest they have witnessed. She writes me long letters describing how much she values me as a person and tucks them under the bottom of my birthday presents. I first met her in class sixth and we’ve been best friends ever since that time.
No matter where the question appeared, Jessica was my only answer for a best friend. But here’s the thing- Jessica doesn’t exist. I was always presented with the same article topic so many times that saying that I don’t have one couldn’t suffice the curiosity of people asking “Why don’t I have one?” as if my introversion was the roadblock when I was the person always presenting something confidently on stage in every morning assembly. I was so tired of not breaking out of the shell and envying all the best friends around me that I decided to invent one for myself.
I have had tonnes of acquaintances — the ones I talked to at lunch and shared my homework with. However, the friend I wanted by my side when my bully called me names never existed. For as far as I have remembered, I have spent my time thinking whether not being able to earn a best friend made me defective or odd? Was it embarrassing that my hangouts involved just my parents and that my last resort in times of loneliness was myself.
Having no best friend stole my experiences that every teenager had as their normal life routine; having no one to text late at night when I can’t fall asleep and no one to comfort me when I fail. I lecture myself saying “I am not a kid anymore; I need to woman up now! There’s no way I can do anything in life if I can’t even deal with the most insignificant issues”
I find myself sitting on my bathroom floor often with my back against the locked door, googling possible symptoms to validate my insignificance.
But as I tap on yet another search result which has done nothing but left an empty feeling in my stomach for how dejected I have felt from myself, I hear Jessica at the back of my head. Creepy right? But then, she has been my make belief character and she was just who I wanted, saying things I wanted to hear . what would Hayley say to She slides her arm around my shoulder and lays my head on hers. I feel her caressing my head slowly and feel her murmuring slowly with the fondest smiles, “ You are doing so great. Why do you care about how everything works around when you can just do something that’s your own, with me. Do you trust me?”
I have seen a variety of love around me- the love between the ones who share their blood, the ever- encompassing love one finds with the person with the other side of their heart, and then there’s this another love that blurs lines of divinity and links the soul and the body. All forms of love have been discussed by all since eternity , taking all forms, breaking, building , coming and getting lost. Yet there’s this love we fail to recognize- the love for self. It took me years of breaking and bonding sessions within myself , filling up the cracks and gluing my shattered pieces strewn around , will and acceptance of myself to learn the how’s and why’s of love for my insignificant significance and of course, the words of my best friend Jessica.
Self-love is birthed from the basics of childhood we start shedding throughout adulthood- addition of acceptance, subtraction of doubts, multiplication of belief on yourself and division of criticism, everything that equates to “self-love”.
Humans tend to project themselves as the center of attention in their own lives and carrying that idea everywhere, they let the judgement and disapproval of the world dictate their lives as they appear to them. And we journey forward in search of being enough with the weight of worthlessness and unfulfillment. While I write this, I admit to be a self-proclaimed hypocrite. I have spent years loathing myself and still have my moments where it fogs up my thoughts. Every voice but mine defined my life. I knew my differences made me unique but that’s the thing, I hated my differences. I couldn’t bear my difference. It was as if I was the object and the society the subject controlling my actions, my verbs, but the twist is ,we both weren’t into an agreement with each other.
It never came easy- loving myself, embracing my insignificant significance, finding beauty in my differences; it still isn’t, but I think I am progressing quite well to reach the other end. So here’s my beginner’s guide to help one love themselves that Jessica and I came up with and hope it helps others too:-
STEP 1: Accept that you are the sole owner of yourself
This might sound a bit inspired from self-centeredness but this step is the most imperative one in your self-love journey. I always had this notion solidified in my mind that I owe my life more to others that I am connected to than myself and so shall they hold the full ownership to it, fair enough, right? Every relationship I was in made me indebted to take full responsibility of it- for being a daughter, a sister, a student, a classmate, a friend and what not. It was always difficult for me to think of myself as “me” and not in relation to who I was to others. All the love that I held within me was spent investing in every relationship I was a part was that I stood last in line, empty handed with none left for myself. What do they want from me? I am quick to answer but What do I want for myself? I was at loss of words. Most of us tend to protect all the relationships we are intertwined in at all costs as our highest responsibility that we ‘lose’ ourselves in the process. So, how did I breakaway from the cycle of ‘Selflessness’ to ‘having myself’? Simple- by noticing myself. The process was painstakingly slow but when I started segregating my existence away from where it was in the existence of others, I realised that regardless of any connection I have, I am myself- I am not my relationships, I am not the thoughts of others, I am not my present, my future, my successes and my failures. I own my life, I am me.
STEP 2: Give the same amount of love to yourself that you give to others (even more at times)
Like a newly purchased mobile, my default settings had been patience, tolerance and incessant belittlement and criticism for myself. Might sound toxic but back then it was a weapon to me- I mistook merciless judgement towards myself as a way to feel powerful; that if I became my biggest hater, no one else could have the power over me to affect me more than I could affect myself. Sure, it was destructive like a slowly ticking bomb. I talked myself down for all the things - Why was I not cool like others? Why am I so sensitive and feel so deeply about everything? My skin looks ridiculous with all these blemishes. Why did I act so dumb there? These treatment felt so natural to me that when Jessica nudged me and asked whether I could ever say those things I said to myself to others, I shrieked- “No, never in a million years!”
I began to notice the compassion, love and kindness, care and forgiveness that filled my heart when I talked to the people I love. And then I noticed how my heart was when I talked to myself- vile, full of disgust and loathe. The picture seemed clear- I knew how destructive it could be for anyone to hear how worthless, frustrating, incapable, and insignificant they are and yet, this is what I put myself through all along. So I started to imitate the way I treated others while treating myself and this change of habit was my biggest realisation that helped me discover how to love myself.
STEP 3 (Final Step): Never give up on loving myself
Yes, that’s the final step. You’re just there on your journey towards the very end- putting yourself first and loving yourself. Loving yourself is not easy, sure , but that’s the thing. Love is not just feeling, it’s a habit, a choice. It doesn’t mean that I am in love with everything I do and am or that I think that I am work. Loving yourself is to choose. Loving yourself is the way you choose to treat yourself. Loving yourself is the people I choose to surround myself with who love me and getting away from people who don’t help you grow. Loving yourself is to believe in yourself and choose yourself, every time. And when you choose to love yourself, you start to feel the love too.
Loving myself has been an eye-opener. It has saved me- from the disappointment of expecting others to treat me in a certain way I want and them failing me, tethered me to reality, withheld me for settling for less than I deserve- in people, relationships and treatment I receive. Above everything, the journey has been fulfilling for now that I am capable of loving myself- the one person I have spent my life heavily judging, hating and tearing down to shreds, I am capable of loving others unconditionally and know how they should love me.
I chose to write on this title and it seemed like a good idea initially but while I write this, I am thinking to myself-, “Do I love myself enough to teach others how to love themselves?” I am not exactly the poster kid for sunshine and people who know me will agree to it. But, then again, from walking along with my best friend Jessica to slowly start walking by myself alone, I am slowly but gradually learning to love myself; making a lot of mistakes all long but I am not giving up on myself that easy. I have seen how drastically my life has changed by experimenting to love myself. I can surely say that I now show love to myself more than the times that I don’t. It’s difficult, it’s weird and it’s different but it is worth it, I am worth the change. This is my story. I am still on the journey and I’ll keep you posted. Until next time!
And with a smile, I nod and say “Yes, I trust you, Jessica.