Have you stayed in the darkness for so long that it feels like a friend now? Does it feel like we have a new home? The cold isn’t that cold anymore and hey whatever this is, it’s my place and I’m going to pour all my love into this place even if your mind feels like a room where everything is a little broken and you have been in survival mode for so long that you are now friends with each shard of the broken window, the broken vase and the dead flower in it.

Even though you are now safe and there is no need to be in survival mode, can’t let it go now, can you?

After all, all these mechanisms are the reason you are here in life, away from the toxicity you left behind. Even if it has left a sour taste in your mouth, it is what it is.

Even though you have everything you fought for, something is missing. What could that be? Is it that an iota of toxicity is permanently etched into the walls of your mind or that you cannot let go of that grief and instincts just in case you might need them again?

It might be because we feel that recovery would be like a sunrise and there would be light everywhere and it would be a they-lived-happily-ever-after. Then we curse ourselves and say we never get what we wish for. We feel like this is not our place and that we must go back to the place we worked so hard to make, the one thing that keeps us going through the tough times, HOME. It is very important to understand that even though we did everything we could to put our minds at ease, suffering, and grief were a makeshift home and the thing about makeshift homes is that we must leave after a while.

While suffering might feel purifying and grief might feel like the one friend that stayed, we must realize that this place has been a comfort zone for so long, we feel weird and out of place and happiness seems like a foreign land.

We have to leave the comfort of our beloved blanket i.e. grief. We have mourned the loss and now it is time to move on. We are not leaving a friend behind who cleaned up our wounds and put us to sleep. We are not leaving a friend who their only piece of bread with us. We are not leaving a friend who sacrificed everything to bring a smile to our faces.

We cannot get comfortable in grief. We cannot stay in this stasis. Happiness cannot be our home until we leave our makeshift home.

The discomfort we feel is not us anticipating another season of hurdles or hardships that could leave us even more scarred than we already are. It’s the icicles in our hearts melting. The stone-cold ice we protect our heart with, it’s finally melting so it’s only logical for the sunlight and warmth of better times to feel uncomfortable.

It’s time we take small steps toward happiness and extend our hand to the things we have been denying ourselves all this time. It’s time we let the grief go. It’s time we pause and appreciate ourselves for how far we’ve come. It’s time we celebrate every small achievement. It's time we pull ourselves away from anything that won’t let us go grow. It’s time we nurture ourselves. It’s time we realise that what helped us get through the bad time, the coping mechanisms, the crying, and everything in between, have done their job and it’s time we let go of them.

It's okay if things are changing. Being afraid of this change is okay. It’s just us going back to defence mode and it is all justified but we cannot let this fear hold us back. We are more than this fear. Being afraid is not a problem, not overcoming this fear could cause us to lose something bigger than anything we have ever imagined. Have courage.

We might not get back everything that we have lost. We might not get back that innocence. It might be back in bits and pieces. The sunlight on a Sunday morning might remind you of the lunch break at your preschool. Cotton candy might remind you of your school picnics. The scent of wet soil, the scent of rain might remind you of how you were pampered when you were ill. The certain cocktail might remind you of the time you have to do your homework after your playtime.

We can refrain from these memories as we have locked them away or we can relish in those memories and take a small step towards happiness by not punishing ourselves for even accessing these small memories. We can take a small step towards happiness by stopping ourselves from denying small things that bring joy.

Loving ourselves doesn’t just mean shopping and skincare. Loving ourselves also means that we forgive ourselves and free ourselves of all the shackles that we have put on for the sake of survival. War is over. We can now create a home where warmth isn’t temporary or short-lived. the warmth isn’t slipping away like sand.

The melting ice around our hearts doesn’t mean we are left defenceless. It means we feel secure enough to be ourselves. We are secure enough to love. We are secure enough to give love. We are secure enough to receive love.

So go ahead, wear your heart on a sleeve, fall in love, watch that cringy love story, go to the cinema, buy that overpriced popcorn, visit the carnival, and gorge on the festive food.

It’s ok if we fall, we can always get up and start again. It doesn’t matter how many times we fell what matters is how many times we got up and fought when accepting defeat and staying under the blanket of grief was the most convenient thing we could do. Stepping out might be the scariest step we take but it is the biggest step forward.

So dear reader, I am proud of you.

I'm proud of you if you are fighting.

I'm proud of you if you have considered giving up and yet keep moving ahead.

I'm proud of you if you have taken even the smallest step ahead.

I'm proud of you even if you have considered taking that step.

I'm proud of you.

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