“What is this life if, full of care,
We have no time to stand and stare?”

Society’s carefully curated ‘ideal life’- education till post- graduation, a stable job, marriage, two kids, retirement and the impatient longing for death’. This ideology is so deeply ingrained in our mindsets since childhood that we devote our entire lives towards achieving every aspect of the appropriate life. A mantra we’re forewarned to never waver from lest we’re considered an anomaly or a deviant. The possibility of shunning the attributed gender roles, escaping the duty bestowed upon us and encouraging thoughts ideally frowned upon terrifies us into unwavering submission to the almighty power of the society. Intriguing experiences, unnatural circumstances and unplanned decisions that stimulate our base desires and provide a rush of adrenaline, are actively avoided in favour of maintaining the typical middle-class life.

The Iyer family residing in Mumbai, were slaves to the orthodox conventional mindset propagated, God- forbid they became social pariahs. The household constituted of four members. The Father was an over- worked sole breadwinner of the family who was silently enduring the tiresome job he disliked to provide a comfortable life to his family, irrespective of the fact that it took a toll on his mental and physical health. The Mother, a homemaker having an existential crisis as she sacrificed her career for the well-being and progress of her family, coupled with her body image issues following her two c-section pregnancies. The Daughter, a high school student burdened by the expectations of achieving her dream of breaking the wheel of a ‘perfect life’ spun by the patriarchy by becoming a self- made billionaire. The Son, a child, innocent from the grievous perils yet to come, uncaring, unbothered and unburdened, with the leisure to explore the wide world, unrestrained by the workings of society.

The stress, anxiety and self- doubt over the year culminated in them reaching their breaking point. The mother proposed an impromptu trip to Maldives, the land of vibrant culture, sprawling greenery, pristine beaches and fascinating landmarks, as mean to escape the monotony of the city life and bring in the new year with a difference.

The Mother -

”No time to turn at beauty’s glance,
And watch her feet, how they can dance.”

The sun shined brilliantly over the sparkling aquamarine water speckled with the deep blue over the coral reefs, as our speed boat swiftly sliced the waves and the hum of the motor drawled. Our snorkelling expedition led us to the middle of the ocean, accompanied by a foreigner couple, Katherine and Mark, originally from the UK and settled in Dubai.

“What do you do?” I asked the pretty woman in her mid- 30’s conversationally, as an attempt to break the awkward silence.

“I am a teacher at a local school” she replied, confidently slipping out of her cover- up clad only in a string bikini with an excited smile to explore the unapparelled beauty of the aquatic life.

With her snorkel and flippers on, she gracefully dove in and swum towards the reefs without any hesitation. The instructor looked at me expectantly, patiently waiting for me to lower myself down into the water. Doubts swirled through my mind, fear coursing through my veins and my knuckles turned white as I clutched the handles of the ladder. What if the life jacket, a few sizes too small, slips off when I get in? What if the instructor cannot support my weight when I attempt to swim? What if my shirt rides up in the water, exposing my stretch marks and flabby skin? What would these strangers think of me, a 45-year-old woman whose life jacket wouldn’t clip up and lacked basic swimming skills?

My daughters’ comforting smile encouraged me to take the leap of faith, as I pushed myself of the edge of the boat. As the cold water engulfed my senses, the doubts magnified and the possibility of me drowning consumed my thoughts. The terrifying memory of almost drowning when I slipped off a boat plagued my mind, the cold water rushing in my ears, my arms flailing to remain afloat as I struggled to catch a breath. I instantly grabbed onto the ladder and with an assist from the instructor, hauled myself onto the boat, my clothes sopping wet and tears pricking my eyes from the shame.

‘I can’t do it. I’m afraid.’ I responded to queries from my family regarding my sudden exit, as I dried myself of. Sitting on the deck, staring listlessly at the sparkling waters, I contemplated the cards fate dealt to me. Why is my body my biggest obstacle?

Watching Katherine swimming, I felt an intense rush of envy and jealousy for her innate comfort in her body and her effortless countenance. My fear of drowning stems from my insecurities regarding my weight, that have perennially caused me to hate my appearance and doubt my capabilities in experiencing and exploring.

While I spent my days at the beach clad in synthetic leggings and tops, other women boldly lounging in bikinis and skin- tight bathing suits, irrespective of not having a size 8 figure. I cower under the immense pressure of societal expectation, self- doubt, insecurities and orthodox beliefs while other women proudly embrace their imperfections, uncaring of stereotypes based on the male perception of the ideal woman.

As I watch my children playfully splashing each other as my younger one hides behind his father, an intense longing to enjoy with my family fills my heart. I make a resolution to myself- I am prioritising my health and fitness, I am embracing and appreciating my body, imperfections and all, I am stopping my incessant procrastination, pondering and regretting life choices, I am working towards improving myself. One day I will return to the marbled waters of Maldives, float peacefully in the calm ocean waters, explore the diverse and unmatched beauty of the coral reefs and play a water fight with my children.

The Father -

“No time to stand beneath the boughs
And stare as long as sheep and cows.”

Peace. It filled me to the brim, undisturbed and utterly comforting. I stood at the helm of the boat, gazing at the fine line between the cloudless heavens and expansive ocean providing an illusion of an ending. A state of calm engulfed my body, mind and soul, the relentless voices questioning my decisions ceasing to exist, persistent ache in my chest from shouldering the responsibilities of a ‘family man’ diminished to comfort and contentment and the crease lines on my forehead and frowning expression evaporated to a pleasant smile.

Exploring the vibrant coral reefs and myriad variety of fish in the crystal waters of Maldives in the company of my children is memory etched in my mind for time immemorial. The contrast of the cool waters and tropical weather soothed my tense countenance and eased my nerves into a state of pure bliss.

I stood at the helm of the boat, so engrossed in the beauty of the islands passing by that I was oblivious to approaching footsteps. “So, did you enjoy?”, I heard Simba, the diving instructor speak, breaking me from my trance.

I nodded my head in response, unable to delineate the mind- altering effect Snorkelling in the ocean had on me. “Tell me about yourself, what is it like living on an island so disconnected from the fast- paced city life”, I instead chose to ask.

His deep laugh greeted my ears as he described his fairy-tale- like lifestyle, “These waters have been my home since I was a wee child struggling to swim against the tides. Every day is an adventure, discovering new species of exotic fish, swimming with the sharks and witnessing the unmatched beauty of the coral reefs on a daily basis. I have a very simple lifestyle, I organise two or three dives a day, watch football matches at the communal theatre every evening and gorge on local delicacies and a pint of beer accompanied by my close friends and a calming ambience.”

“But doesn’t it get monotonous? The utter silence will eventually become stifling.”, I questioned.

“Well, we do occasionally travel to the city to escape the uninterrupted nothingness. And as a part of the island council, I am in charge of travelling frequently to the capital to buy supplies. Though, the pollution, constricted housing and hustle- bustle of the city life feels suffocating, restricts my ability to explore and fails to stimulate my creativity. I would never forsake this lifestyle for anything.”

Silence. I ponder over my own situation and the decisions that led me to achieve who I am today. I had tirelessly worked to attain the life of a quintessential middle- class man, under the expectations of my family and ever- looming threat of societal disgrace. The straight A student through school, chose the stereotypical lifepath of becoming an engineer inspired by my uncles, survived through engineering and subjected myself to MBA school, kept switching jobs till I found my groove, married the woman my parents chose for me and now my life is completely dedicated to earning enough to ensure my two children receive the best education to have an opportunity to pursue their passions.

Exhaustion. I am encumbered by the obligation to dutifully play the different roles diligently, attentive son, loving husband and doting father, the caregiver, sole earning member, corporate slave, shoulder to lean on and the central pillar of the family following my father’s passing. The never- ending pressure has taken a toll on my sanity and caused me to deteriorate and age several years.

Escape. I wish I could relinquish these roles and embrace peace and fulfilment in solitude. My goals in life have always been distant unachievable dreams, travelling to Everest base camp, retiring from the uninteresting corporate job to become a yoga teacher and parting with the bustling city life to build a beautiful house by the backwaters in my hometown of Kerela. Though listening to Simba describe the all- consuming contentment he feels from living the life he envisioned and achieved, I wish to achieve my goals sooner and choose to live for myself instead of for others. Vivid images of this perfect life flashed through my mind, picturesque views, delicious meals and peaceful village life.

As Simba retreats back to the main deck to help the others disembark from the boat, I make a resolution to myself- to live like there’s no tomorrow and achieve a semblance of work- life balance by sporadically taking vacations, pursuing my hobbies and striving towards achieving my goals. Instead of a life dedicated to the sustenance of my family, I will become the main character in my own story.

The Daughter -

“No time to see the woods we pass,
Where squirrels hide their nuts in grass”

Experiencing the wondrous unmatched beauty of life under the ocean, we were exhausted, craving a scrumptious meal and peaceful sleep. Our walk back to the hotel was spent in pleasant silence, as images of the one- of a kind adventure played like a film tape in our minds.

Martina, the hotel manager, greeted us and enquired whether we enjoyed, a cordial smile gracing her face. As my parents and younger brother headed upstairs to refresh, I stayed behind to receive answers to the questions milling in my mind since the day I met her.

“How did you end up working as the manager of a hotel on a remote island?”

She didn’t question my inquisitiveness and graciously responded, “I am originally from Czech Republic, where I graduated with a degree in hospitality and management. I travelled and worked in several countries including London, Paris, Dubai and Hong Kong for close to five years. Ever since I left home, I have never found any place where I felt I could put down roots and finally settle down. I arrived in Maldives around seven years ago and initially worked at a resort in the capital city. While exploring the various islands in different atolls, I stumbled upon Thulusdoo island. With the quaint streets, close- knit community, scenic beauty and steady influx of tourists due to its proximity to the capital and popular water sports, it was love at first sight for me. By the grace of God, I received a job opportunity and have been year ever since. I doubt any place in the world could ever compare to life on an island, yet alone entice me to uproot and move to a different location. A match made in heaven indeed.”

As an individual on the quest to graduate from a foreign college, work up the corporate ladder and eventually create my own business to fulfil my intense need to prove my worth by achieving materialistic comforts, this alternate reality befuddled me to the core.

“But don’t the jarring differences between the thriving, electric atmosphere of city life and the idyllic, peaceful lifestyle on an island in the middle of nowhere irk you? Don’t you crave the sensory stimulation and constant entertainment of bustling cities?”

She laughed at me struggling to comprehend that she voluntarily chose this lifestyle, “ I realised my love for exploration from a young age, experiencing new cultures and languages and meeting new people. The frugal lifestyle on this island enables me to continue my profession while experiencing a peaceful, comfortable and stress- free life. Enjoying salmon burgers and beer while watching football matches late into the night accompanied by the dull glow of the starry night and the incessant lapping of the waves. I would choose this every day over the loneliness from isolation in fancy apartments drinking the misery away under the pollution filled sky and the jarring lights. At the end of the day, do you want to be remembered as a person that achieved all the success in life yet couldn’t experience camaraderie and contentment, or would you rather be cherished as an individual that lived life to the fullest, pursued her interests and passions wholeheartedly and was opportune enough to experience the base emotion of happiness?”

Silence. Bewilderment. Comprehension. Self- Actualisation.

The desire to become receive education from a reputed university abroad and become an entrepreneur to earn money and respect so as not be suppressed by societal constraints, the guilt that my choices will negatively impact my parent’s financial stability and mental health while also increasing my dependence on them, and the incessant urge to mould my life to satisfy my self- deprecating nature- these emotions are a baggage I haven’t been able to shake off. Following Elizabeth Warren’s ideology that “If you don’t have a seat at the table, you’re probably on the menu”, I have always pushed myself to persevere in my various endeavours as I believe that money buys a seat at the table. My pursuit of luxury and opulence stems from my intrinsic need to prove my worth and earn my independence.

Yet hearing Martina’s description of happiness in life, has made me question all my beliefs. Is forsaking my mental peace and well- being while toiling through a miserable corporate job to begin my own business in a man- eat- man world worth it? This vacation has been a momentary respite from the pressure, a taste of freedom I could achieve if I changed the course of action to a life of peace and solitude, that provides an alternate sense of independence and security, while enabling my creativity to bloom to achieve my full potential.

The Child -

New People, delicious food, beautiful surroundings, beautiful beaches and risky adventures. The five days we spent in Maldives have baffled me to an extent that I believe I am in an alternate reality. Much to my mother’s disdain I adventurously participated in all the water sports, whole- heartedly enjoyed the experience of snorkelling, conversed with new people and asked a million questions, gawked at the one-of-a-kind supercars rolling around and swam in the beaches to my heart’s content, mesmerised by the turquoise waters.

This much awaited vacation has done wonders for my family, my father looks ten years younger, my mother has a million- dollar smile on her face that I haven’t seen in a while and my sister isn’t frowning or apathetic to her surroundings. But doubts linger in my mind as our vacation comes to an end.

When I grow older will I become spiteful and cold like my sister and cry myself to sleep every night as I struggle to cope with coursework and all- consuming loneliness from distancing from my friends?

Or will I question my existence and scrutinise my flaws like a daily prescription of pain I subject myself to because of societal expectations and peer pressure?

Will I burn out from the duties and responsibilities of the man of the house and be forced to put my dreams and aspirations on pause to cater to my children’s’ needs like my father?

Currently I am holistically developing, learning the ways of the world unconstrained by realism and expectations. But with growth in my mindset and a harsh reality check as the veil of unconditional love and support from my parents lifts, the innocence will be tarnished and hunger for worldly experiences diminishes to a need for survival.

“A poor life this, if full of care,
We have no time to stand and stare.”

This vacation was a much-needed reprieve, a necessary moment of enlightenment that urged us to reconsider our perspectives and decisions and redirect our life path towards contentment and happiness. It is naïve presumption that society, family or a third- party should influence our view point and give meaning to our existence. The bitter reality is that our life is as meaningful, full of love, happiness and respect and as wonderful as we choose to make it. We are prisoners to the city life, shackled within the golden cage of a stable life and handcuffed by procrastination and self-doubt. The tall glass buildings and blinding lights are a fish tank, an illusion, a façade, a perfect manipulation, a false reiteration designed to confound us into believing that our current reality is our destiny, while the waves of the vast ocean of adventures, experiences and passion awaits us, patiently biding time till we question “If my forever was ending tomorrow, is this how I wish to have spent my life?”

We are prisoners of the city life,
Constrained within the golden cage of stability,
Blinded by illusions of a picket fence and pretty lies,
Guarded by societal norms preying on our gullibility.
We escaped the safety net of materialistic consolation,
Pursuit of adrenaline and ecstasy the boost of motivation,
Unending hunger to achieve our dreams is the reason,
We are no longer inmates in society’s prison.

.    .    .

Bibliography:

• Quoteresearch, Author. “If You Are Not at the Table Then You're Probably on the Menu.” Quote Investigator, 16 Nov. 2020, quoteinvestigator.com/2020/11/15/table-menu/.
• “Leisure.” EnglishVerse.com, englishverse.com/poems/leisure.