I wonder if any of the readers are familiar with the fancy Latin word 'quidnunc.’ It loosely translated in English means an ‘inquisitive and gossipy person.’ But calling them a parasite makes more sense considering that “they live at the expense of the host.” I did not come up with this definition but the CDC(The Centre for Disease Control and Prevention)did.

Every human who has ever worked with a group of fellow humans must have experienced or sometimes even had fun listening to the juicy rumours until the scandal was about you. Each one of us has been a tattletale like Monica of F.R.I.E.N.D.S and a victim of a Rita Skeeter of Harry Potter at some point in our lives.

But have you ever questioned the origin of such a behaviour or taken measures to stop the infestation from spreading? I urge each one of you to do so due to its negative impact on workplace enthusiasm,(According to a study conducted by International Business School Shaanxi Normal University)mental health of the targeted individual and absenteeism. Let us declutter each of the factors.

Why do people Gossip?

Whilst I can list a bunch of reasons for why people find gossips amusing, I’ll stick to the most common causes for this very common behaviour.

My Office is a perfect example for the stereotypical group or the “Recreational Gossipers” who do it because they have nothing better to do in their life as their pastime. So they engage in talking behind peoples’ back as a form of entertainment and therefore get very creative in leaking fabricated stories and blatant lies.

The Second place is backed by the “Influential Gossipers” who hold some kind of power or do it as a means to feel significant in the workspace.Hence they resort to the only possible malicious route of gossip to character-assassinate the folks they envy.

The Third belongs to the infamous “Gang Gossipers” who do it just for the sake of fitting in and they nod along to every little piece of opinion formed without a second thought so that they have a gang to hang out in the weekends and a place to share common interests(mostly gossiping)

The Fourth is the “Enlightened Gossipers” who want the history, anatomy and physiology of every single colleague to feel less miserable when thinking about their little pathetic life.

Some may find these variety of Gossipers funny but it is just the tip of the iceberg. These behaviours are a reflection of something deep buried inside them.

According to me, gossip and bullying go hand in hand because both leaves the victim feeling anxious, lonely and distressed. But what does it speak about the bully?

As rightly said by Jessie J.,”They are not bullying you because of you, they’re bullying you because of how they are.” So, how are they?

 It was for long believed that people with low self-esteem tend to incline towards such unruly attitude. But the renowned Swedish psychologist Dan Olweus says otherwise. His research states that “ Most bullies have average or above-average self-esteem. They “suffer” from aggressive temperaments, lack of empathy and poor parenting.”

Though we can understand the causes of people turning into bullies and sympathise for their past, it is never acceptable for the way they treat another individual and never is one obliged to put up with it. This makes us ask the next question “how to stop it?”

How to stop Gossip?

Since the behaviour is exhibited by a group/individual/people with power, it requires efforts from people at various levels to put an end to it.

As an individual, I suggest people who often get exposed to gossip to ask one powerful question. And it goes like,”Why are you telling me this?” It is not only effective but takes aback the person who is trying to make an unnecessary conversation about someone who is absent.A gossip usually survives depending on the reaction received from the receiver of the news. As long as you don’t entertain and deliberately decide to pause the talk halfway, it gets the gossiper flustered and embarrassed to continue talking trash.

Another idea to make changes at an individual level is to give a pep talk everyday morning before leaving for work. Stand in front of the mirror and say,”I wish to become someone who never backbites and I believe in myself to do better. From today on, I identify myself as a kind and empathetic person.”James Clear in his famous book Atomic Habits reinforces several times about the importance of identity-based habits and how it gradually helps us to become the person we wish to be. He says that “I’m the type of person who wants this. It’s something very different to say I’m the type of person who is this.”

One more efficient strategy that seems to work among group gossipers is the ‘Triple Filter Test’ proposed by psychotherapist Glenn.D. Rolfsen. Start with the first question “do you know if what you are about to say about this person is true?” Most probably the answer is going to be no. Because that is just how gossips work. Now it is time to shift to the next question,”Are you about to say anything good about the person?” Of course not. If so, it negates the criteria for a delicious “tea.” Then, let us move on to our last and final question “Are you about to say something that is useful?”Now that should seal the deal because we know for a fact that it is never something useful. Keep in mind the following mnemonic T?G?U?

As a leader or if you are in a position holding some kind of power, it is easy to regulate the system. You can hold a meeting every once in a week just to address this issue of backbiting. Ask if anybody believes that gossiping is an issue in your office. Pretty much everyone including the gossiper will raise their hands or might totally deny of such existence. But you have the authority to say that gossiping has critically affected productivity at a large scale and it will not be tolerated and the guilty will be punished or even removed from the office.

You can either go down that line or choose a more compassionate path where you address every single one as a victim. The targeted individual counselled separately for the sake of their mental well-being and the gossiper as a victim with some form of troubled past.

How can the victims cope?

The victim may range from someone who cried themselves to bed or someone who had to quit their job just to protect their health. Either way they end up being the one on the losing end. So, how to deal with stress that comes with being the target? 

First of all, learn not to take things personally. Most of the time, it was never about you but about them.All the words shared and the exaggerated response was a reaction to a trigger that was bothering them for several years. The defence mechanism of their choice was projection and you became the prey. But does that mean we have to let go of everything lightly? Never.

So, second of all, we need to ace the skill of articulation at its finest form. Communication is the key in almost every problem. Always start off with a positive note and end with one as well. Remind them of the times their work ethics and professionalism contributed in a huge way to the growth of your workspace and how much you appreciate their presence. Later, pay attention that you are criticising their behaviour and not the person itself. Tell them how their recent behaviour has had a major shift and how it has negatively affected you. Otherwise, it can backfire and people may tend to immediately retaliate and all your efforts would be futile. This is how you can do the exact opposite of what is expected of a victim.

Thirdly, despite our trials everything can go in vain because we cannot control how a person chooses to behave. All that is under our control is our own self.

We are going to come across a lot of humans with toxic nature and each time we cannot choose to run away. Sometimes all we have to do is take a deep breath and keep going forward. Assuring ourselves that we are okay and everything is going to be okay and you have you.

My personal method of coping is to “gossip” with my best friend. Weird right? She never reacts but somehow I catch myself making mistakes. She never speaks back but I feel comforted. She doesn’t remember my gossips but she never forgets. It is my personal diary.

I’d like to share my latest gossip about Gossip,

“it is like a roleplay
the guilty becomes the pure storyteller
the cunning listener plays the rescuer
funny how dramatic words can become
making their target helpless
and forced to take the role of a crooked monster”

Conclusion

Anything done or said at the cost of another fellow human's feelings is never ok. We can all make mistakes, apologise and strive to be a more evolved person every single day. If changes are something you are not willing to make, you are just existing and not living your life.

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