“If you write a book about yourself, where you are the protagonist, what would the plot be like?” were the words that got the tiny little wires in my brain running for the first time in the middle of the day while I continued scrolling through my Instagram reels. ‘It’s okay’, I thought, ‘College just got over, you are way too young to worry so much about life. Live it now…’

And yet, I couldn’t get the words out of my head. If I were my protagonist in a book, would I have let her sit down and scroll through Instagram the entire day? Would I not have made life more interesting for her? A little bit something more exciting to look forward to, everyday?

I know, I wouldn’t read a book like that. No one would be willing to waste time on a book where the protagonist does little more than just travel to and from college, hangs out with her friends sometimes, and then only proceeds to spend the rest of her day in her cave, conveniently on her phone. And that has been exactly what I have been doing all these years. Consciously or unconsciously, I believe, most of us have been living life without giving much thought to it.

I lost someone very important to me, my father, namely, at a very crucial stage of my life. It was an unexpected event, and just like everyone else, I wanted people to feel sorry for my loss. Because I was going through a hard time, undoubtedly, and I thought that it would be ruthless on everyone else’s part to not see the pain and share in it accordingly. Truthfully, I was lost. There was even a time when I wanted to meet my father one last time, so badly, that I had some severe negative thoughts of my own. Not being the kind of person to openly talk about it or be emotionally vulnerable with anyone wasn’t, at all, very helpful.

But one day, something snapped.

Something snapped when I wanted to be the protagonist of my own book. Till that day, I had done everything in my power, to convince myself and the people around me that I needed to be dealt with cautiously, that I was somehow “special” because I had lived through my father’s death without emotionally exposing myself. I used to have an extremely pessimistic mindset about things, something that my mother passionately hated about me, I used to have this unspoken, uncontrolled rage inside of me, that would eat away at me, at people and society at large. I believed that being kind wasn’t the answer. My father was kind, and I would become the worst kind of opposite he could imagine.

Only to realize that I was harming myself more than anyone. This gloom-ridden, cynical temperament that I held, had led me to crawl back further into a tiny corner of my cave, reject social positivity as a whole, associate myself with only the people that didn’t want to be saved, and blame everyone and everything else. I was not okay. And the only person responsible for my demise was me.

Most people fail at this point. And from a psychological perspective, it is easy to see why. We all like to believe that we are special creatures, to ourselves, to the people around us because this makes us conclude that we add some value to the world. It doesn’t matter whether it’s our negativity that makes the difference, or something else. One thing leads to another, and everything comes crashing down when we lose our special spots in others’ fickle little hearts. Pessimistic people are often convinced that they are the realistic upholders of any conversation because they see the nastier, crueler parts of the world and they can often times, react faster to it. If you belong to the brighter side of the world and challenge their views, they would often call you naïve, innocent and immature.

They’re not wrong, and neither are you.

The trick is to not be focused on either side too much. It’s a given fact that the world is a cruel place to live in, has always been. But it’s also a fact that it doesn’t make the world a much less beautiful place. This is not a psychology lecture, this is realism.

It is difficult to accept the existence of this balance when things go wrong, or things go very much according to plan. For example, if you’re getting evicted out of your apartment for not being able to pay the rent, you barely have food in your stomach because of lack of finances, it is easy to think to yourself that the world is working against you. The world is a cruel place, and if only people had been a little more considerate, you would not have been in such a situation. Similarly, if one day, you win the lottery ticket and it’s an amount that you would have never imagined to have earned in your entire lifetime, suddenly the world is in your favor and you’re the luckiest person to ever walk the planet.

It took me a lot of time and patience to realize that how you view the world, depends a lot on the inner working of your mind, or rather how you react to it. Getting evicted and starving at the same time, is indeed a bad situation to be in, but instead of blaming it on the world, if you had looked at it as an opportunity, things wouldn’t be so bad for you in the future. You could start to work really hard, start making good decisions about your life and someday, you might end up in a brand new apartment that you bought for yourself.

Let me explain the point further by my own unfortunate little circumstance, since losing a parent has been the most painful thing I have ever experienced. My father’s death was indeed tragic, but despite me being not so conscious about it, it had also helped me figure out who my real friends were, who were the people that stayed by my side even if I was pushing everyone away. And it’s only now that I think about all the wonderful connections I would have made if I had not chosen to be so negatively affected by it.

Does it mean that I should not have mourned my loss? Does it mean that you should not feel helpless about being evicted? No, absolutely not. In fact, feeling lost or helpless can be the motivating factor for you to do something better, take risks and drive yourself forward.

But if you had won a lottery ticket, and it felt like the world was in your hands, would you have had the same drive to push you forward every day? Sure, money feels great and with a huge amount, you can spend as extravagantly as you like, get that new watch, buy that new car, but for how long? The amount is a lot but limited. It might last you three or four years but what after that? Let me tell you, it takes a strong man to eventually become rich through his own hard work than a man who was born in the riches or became rich suddenly by luck. 

I can agree that it is very hard to stay optimistic in a situation where everything is falling apart around you. But it is supposed to be hard. You have probably heard this a couple million times already, but good things are supposed to be hard to get. If you get it as easily as you want it to be, it would not be satisfying to your soul. Everyone wants to get rich overnight but given the opportunity, how many can stay rich? Something so valuable, if easily obtained, would lose its value. 

I had a significantly hard time to come to this realization but it doesn't have to be the same for you. You have the opportunity to learn from my mistakes, turn your life around before it's too late, and work steadily, progressively, and smartly till you achieve your goals. You are stronger on days when you don't to wake up and don't want to stay motivated enough to work, but you still push yourself to do all the above things.

For some time now, I have been reading books on self-discipline, self-control, the importance of planning, making good, rational decisions and overall, becoming a good human being. It has not been easy to get here, but it will be easy to go from here and I can already feel it. Every moment of weakness is a moment of self-reflection. And by every moment of weakness, I mean moments of unnecessary and petty feelings of anger, jealousy, greed, lust, negativity as a whole. It might sound tiresome to always be on the lookout for yourself, but trust me, it is self-rewarding. I have been actually way happier than I have ever been, now that I follow a strict regimen of productivity, maintaining health, and controlling my emotions. This has led me to associate with wonderful people all around the world, improve my social charisma and come to terms with the fact that I am not special, but I am getting better than what I used to be. I am a loved and cherished child of God and I intend to walk that path forever. I believe that it is also something my father would have wanted for me and for the first time, I genuinely want to make him proud. The protagonist of my book is a strong soldier, and she was raised by her father. 

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