I didn’t decide it to happen, I really didn’t.
And I’m sure no one really does.
It’s like one minute everything is okay,
perfectly fine even,
then you think about something and it’s like you were never okay.
A small trigger and poof you are sinking from somewhere you never got out off.
Then breathing feels painful and
your thoughts even more dangerous.
And some thoughts instead of terrifying you,
actually makes you give it a second thought and that’s messed up.
The thoughts didn’t terrify me but the fact that I wanted to follow up with that did,
the thought of cutting myself.
Just once, just once.
My thoughts never did help with the triggers
it just encouraged me to go along with it.
The urge gets so bad,
the urge to feel something, anything.
It didn’t feel painful,
The sting of my skin cutting,
the iron smell of the blood,
the thought of pain never occurred,
it just felt good, just that thought felt good,
too good in fact.

.    .    .